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A Danny's Daily's
Classic!
A beautiful blonde woman went to the gynecologist.
The doctor took one look at the woman and all his professionalism flew out
the window. He immediately told her to get undressed.
After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh.
Doing so he asked her, "Do you know what I am doing?" "Yes," she replied, "You are checking for abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."
"That's right," said the doctor.
He then began to fondle her breast.
"Do you know what I am doing now?" he asked. "Yes," she said, "You are checking for lumps or breast cancer."
"Correct," replied the shady doctor.
Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her.
He asked, "Do you know what I am doing now?"
"Yes, you're getting herpes:
Which is why I came here in the first place."
Three members of a weekly female bridge quartet were duly impressed
when the fourth arrived wearing a gorgeous new mink coat. "That's a lovely
garment Dottie," purred one woman, "It must have cost you a fortune!"
"But it didn't," said Dottie, "just a single piece of ass."
"You mean," continued the admirer of the coat, "One that you gave your husband?"
"No," smiled the coat wearer, "One that he got from the maid."
Roses are red,
Pickles are green,
I love your legs,
and what's in between.
Dear Danny:
I am a nurse. One night everyone on my shift (nights) went out to dinner before
work to a Mexican restaurant. It was about 2:00 AM when it hit me.
The worst case of flatulence
I have ever had in my life!
Not wanting to embarrass myself in front of my colleagues, I proceeded very quickly to the
end of the hall to an empty room. Once in, I closed the door and farted like I never have
before or since.
When I opened the door to leave I heard a male voice ask "nurse, would you mind opening a window
before you leave?"
One of the ER doctors had ducked into the room for a nap!
From This:
To This:
Happens Quick, Don't it?
In Paris, a man tried to extinguish the "eternal flame" which burns beneath the Arc de Triumph by sitting on it, only to end up needing treatment for burns to his ass...
... He's also unwittingly created several new storylines for
MTV's "Jackass"...
In Austin, Texas, police caught President Bush's 19-year-old
twin daughters allegedly trying to buy alcohol at Chuy's restaurant, with one using someone else's identification
card...
... Didn't their father tell them that alcohol abuse leads to horrible things - like wealth, power and the presidency...?
Quote of the Day
As long as there is a smile on my face....you'll always have a
place to sit.
Like
I said: A Smile On My Face!
The
Bad, The Ugly, and the Just Plain Stupid!
From
Buffalo, New York: Where
three idiots robbed a cabdriver at gunpoint, getting away with a small
amount of cash. The police were able to catch two of them and at a
hearing a couple of weeks later, the prosecutor asked the cabbie to
point out who had robbed him.
The
cab driver pointed to the two idiots at the defense table, then he
gestured toward a man sitting at the back of the courtroom, who he
identified as the one who had held the gun on him.
Believe
it or not, this "Just Plain Stupid," who had not been caught,
showed up in court to see what was going to happen to his friends.
He's now joined them in jail.
Religious
Humor!
There are three religious truths:
1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.
The
Danny's Daily's Blonde Joke of the Day!
My
very own Buffie was walking down the street when a man who was carrying out
a survey stopped her.
"Excuse me, Madam, we're doing a survey on peoples' attitudes towards sex."
"Really!" said Buffie smiling, "I'm game, ask away."
"Could you please tell me what you think of sex on the television?"
"Well," replied Buff, "I think it's extremely uncomfortable, especially when you've got the antenna stuck up your ass"!
The
Darwin Awards!
Woman Disarmed by Tiger
22 May 2000, Colorado:
A twenty-eight-year-old wildlife volunteer at the Prairie Wind Animal Refuge was demonstrating the gentility of a captive Siberian tiger to visitors when the tiger demonstrated a more familiar trait of its species and ripped her arm off.
The woman had been a volunteer for two years.
When a group of visitors enquired whether the refuge had problems with people sticking their hands in the cages, she placed her arm inside the tiger cage and beckoned a full-grown two-year-old Bengal.
The tiger, which was new to the facility, sauntered over, recoiled and
closed its jaws around her hand.
The woman discovered that the tiger did not intend to return her arm, and pulled away in a panic.
It tore her arm off at the socket.
Though the arm was not found, the
woman was airlifted to a nearby hospital and treated for an accidental amputation.
But the tender-hearted tour guide bore no ill will toward the cat, and begged authorities from her hospital bed not to put down the animal as punishment for for its unsavory meal choice.
(... Even though this is an
honorable mention, I can't help but think she'll get her full fledged
Darwin Award sooner then later...)
On a State visit to England President Bush is representing the United States of America on a highly formal, orchestrated state visit to England.
Air Force One stops at a bright red carpet along which the President strides to join Queen Elizabeth II in a beautiful, ornate 17th-century coach hitched to 6 enormous matched white horses.
The coach proceeds through the streets of London en route to Buckingham Palace, the Queen and the President waving to the cheering throngs.
Then suddenly the right rear horse produces a thunderous, cataclysmic fart that reverberates through the air and rattles the doors of the coach.
Uncomfortable, the reaction of the two powerful figures is to focus their attentions elsewhere and behave as if nothing extraordinary had happened.
But, the Queen is the first to realize that ignoring what had just happened is ridiculous.
She explains, "Mr. President, please accept my regrets. I'm sure you understand that there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."
President Bush replies: "Your Majesty, please don't give the matter another thought - you know, if you hadn't said something, I would have thought it was one of the horses."
Dear Danny:
You've always asked for embarrassing stories from us, I guess it's time I pony up:
My most embarrassing moment happened about three years after I got married.
My wife and I used to share all the house work, shopping etc. - you know,
the every day tasks.
Anyway, I was in Coles, doing some shopping. Going down the aisles I came to the frozen section, were I
saw my wife bending over, reaching for some frozen item.
I snuck up behind her very quietly. She had on a fairly short dress.
I ran my hand up her dress and found my favorite pussy and all of a sudden there was this huge
scream! She spun around hitting me and when I finally looked - yep, you guessed it - it was not my wife but
another lady who looked exactly like my wife!
Management came running. She was telling them I attacked
her from behind. (which, of course, I did) I was trying to explain my actions with
I think the whole store of customers listening on.
I left my cart apologizing as best I could to her and bolted out of the door, never to return to that store again.
Moral of the story: Look very hard before you touch.
Keep
up the Great
Work!
Jim
Hey
Jimbo, you should have told her this:
I like your style,
I like your class,
but most of all,
I like your ass.
A congregation honors a rabbi for twenty-five years of service by sending him to Hawaii for a week, all-expenses paid.
When he walks into his hotel room, there's a beautiful, nude girl lying on the bed.
She says, "Hi, Rabbi ... I'm a little something extra that the president of the board paid for!"
The rabbi is incensed! He picks up the phone, calls the board president
and says, "Greenberg, where is your respect? I am the moral leader of
our community! As your rabbi, I am very, very angry with you."
The girl gets up and starts to get dressed. The rabbi turns to her and
says, "Hey! where are you going? I'm not angry with you."
A divided Supreme Court declined to hear a case testing whether public display of the Ten Commandments violates the principle of separation of church and state. The decision left in place a ruling that the monument's display was
unconstitutional...
... "'Thou shall not kill? Thou shall not steal?'
These mottos have no place in a government building..."
The
Danny's Daily's "Priceless" Moment of the Day!
The
Dumb, The Dumber, and the Just Plain Clueless!
Hey Jimbo!
Read This One!
Hutchison,
Kansas: Comes the story of Tom Hall
who had a little too much to drink at a party. He met an old
friend there who told him that her house was unlocked and it was OK for
him to go over there and sleep it off.
Telling
her he knew exactly where she lived, he left the party. Somewhere
along the way he got a little confused but he did finally find what he
thought was the right house. The backdoor was unlocked so he let
himself in, stripped down to his underwear and climbed into the first
bed he found.
Sometime
later the woman who was sleeping in that bed awoke to find a strange man
passed out cold next to her. She jumped up and quickly ran next
door to call the cops. They came over and awakened Tom, (or is it
Jimbo? LOL) telling him he was in the wrong house in the wrong bed
with the wrong woman.
He's
been charged with criminal trespass.
The
Danny's Daily's "Sign" of the Day!
And They Deliver
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Twister This
Week In 1975, Melanie Janine "Scary" Brown, of the Spice Girls, was born...
... Soon she'll be Old Spice... In 1856, Abraham Lincoln gave a speech in Bloomington, IL, in which he proclaimed "you can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, but you can't fool all of the people all of the time."
... He never saw the "Jerry Springer" show...
In 1908, the late actor and cartoon voicist Melvin Jerome "Mel" Blanc was born. He was the voice of Bugs Bunny, Porky Pig, Daffy Duck, Elmer Fudd, Yosemite Sam, Tweety, Sylvester, Speedy Gonzales, Road Runner, Foghorn Leghorn, Pepe Le Pew, Tasmanian Devil, Man from Mars, and Woody
Woodpecker. He died in 1989...
... "Th-th-th-th-that's all, folks..." In 1889, The brasierre is invented...
... It took a while to gain support...
In 1930, Clint Eastwood was born...
... "Go ahead, make my 25,915th day..." In 1678, tax protester Lady Godiva rode naked on her horse through Coventry...
... The Tax collectors saw her naked boobs and introduced a
"flat" tax... Your
Moment of Zen Naked man fear no pickpocket. I tell ya, I don't get no respect:
This guy I know, knows I'm into computers, and he's looking for a job.
So he aksd me to help him find him a job. "Sure I says, what can I do?"
What a mistake, What a mistake!!!! He asked me to check with my boss, my friends,
my business associates. Then he asked me to run off 100 copies of his resume, call up the
employment agencies, and write an ad for the Positions Wanted section of the newspaper.
I aks him what he wanted to call himself in the ad.
He said, "A self-starter!"
No Respect At All...
And Buffie don't get no respect neither:
I remember when she was visiting her obstetrician,
She told Buffie, "My, That sure is a pretty whale tattoo."
Buffie Told her: "Thanks, It used to be a dolphin."
No Respect At All... 
Is
That a Beautiful Body Or What??? 
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