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MOODS OF A WOMAN
An angel of truth and a dream of fiction, a woman is a bundle of
contradiction. She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse, but will tackle her boyfriend alone in the house.
She'll take him for better, she'll take him for worse. She'll break open his head and then be his
nurse. But when he's well and can get out of bed, she'll pick up the teapot and
aim for his head.
Beautiful and keenly sighted, yet blind, crafty and cruel. Yet simple and kind she'll call him a king, then make him a clown, raise him on a pedestal, then knock him flat down.
She'll inspire him to deeds that ennoble man, or make him her lackey to carry her fan.
She'll run away from him and never come
back; if he runs away, then she'll be on his tracks.
Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose, she'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her
nose. She'll win you in rage, enchant you in silk, she'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk.
At times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad, she'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad.
MOODS OF A MAN
Horny.
(... In Your
Dreams...)
Quote of the Day
"I have flabby thighs, but
fortunately my stomach covers them."
Buffie:
How did your date with the new guy go?
Jan: Not well! I didn't really like him, and I think I might
have insulted him a little.
Buffie: What do you mean?
Jan: Well, I thanked him for a lovely dinner,
and then I said, "Now fuck off."
(... So why do you
think you insulted him a little?..)
I tell ya, I don't get no respect:
I was wandering around in a field, thinking about how good
my wife has been to
me and how fortunate I am to have her.
(... Yes, a very rare moment...)
So I looks up and aks God, "Why did you make my wife so kind-hearted?"
The Lord responded, "So you could love her, my son."
"Why did you make her so good-looking?"
"So you could love her, my son."
"Why did you make her such a good cook?"
"So you could love her, my son."
So I thought about this. Then I aks, "I don't mean to seem ungrateful or anything, but why did you make her so stupid?"
"So she could love you, my son."
No respect at all...
A married man left for work early one Friday afternoon.
Instead of going home, however, he squandered the weekend (and his paycheck)
(Oh, of course the paycheck,
always the damned paycheck, guy's we're being insulted all around today,
sheesh) partying with the boys.
When he finally returned home on Sunday night, he ran into a barrage of epithets from his wife.
After a couple of hours of nagging and berating, his wife asked:
"How would you like it if you didn't see me
for a couple of days?!?"
"That would suit me just fine!!" the man snapped.
Monday went by, and the man didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday went by with the same result.
Come Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and
he could see her a little; out of the corner of his left eye.
(... That's one
tough old broad!...)
The Dannie's
Daily's Blonde Joke of the Day!
Jill wanted a divorce from Todd.
The judge asked, "What fault do you find with your husband?"
"Your Honor, he's a liar, a brute, a thief and a brainless idiot!"
"That's very serious," exclaimed his Honor, "Can you prove all that?"
"Prove it? Why everybody knows it!"
"If you knew all this, then why did you marry him?"
"I didn't know it before I married him."
Todd shouted out, "She did too!"
(... Todd, you
stupid dickhead!...)
Men, All the Same!
I tell ya, I don't
get no respect;
So I takes
this broad out on a date, she was really rude. She says to me:
Please don't talk to my breasts.
You won't be meeting them anytime soon!
If you want to control
something, sleep with your remote.
I always choose chocolate over men - ALWAYS.
51% Love Goddess, 49% Bitch.
Care to push your luck?
My body is a temple, now get on your knees and pray.
It's not the size that counts, it's....no, wait, size does
count.
What I want, I don't
want from YOU!
(... With a
Cat? How sick...)
No Respect At All...
I mean, what are men
good for anyway? I called my mother on the phone, just the other
day. When she answered the phone, I
could hear a noise behind her that sounded like a jet plane taking off.
I asked, "Mother, what's that horrible noise?"
She replied, "It's the dishwasher. Your father fixed it." (...no
comment...)
Do you know what it means to come home to a man who'll
give you love, affection, tenderness and understanding?
It means you're in the wrong house.
(... Yeah, you must
have walked into the gay guys house down the street...LOL)
WAYS TO BE A WOMAN
Bitch
When asked "Is something bothering you?" reply "no" then get pissed off when you are believed.
Become attracted to someone because he is outgoing and loves parties, start dating him, and immediately expect him to stop this behavior.
Always take an hour longer than promised to prepare for the evening.
Whine
If you are trying to sleep, it's because you're exhausted from your almost
super-human level of daily achievement; if he is trying to sleep it's because he is lazy.
Remember: No matter what the activity, he doesn't do it as well as a past boyfriend.
If he pays attention to you, he is smothering you.
If he gives you space, he is ignoring you.
Complain
Demand to be treated as an equal in everything - except when paying for meals, airplane tickets, concerts, beers, clothes, etc. these are required gifts proving his love.
Remember that ANY woman who so much as stares at your boyfriend must be labeled a WHORE and your network of friends must be informed
immediately to spread this as quick as possible.
Make his life miserable by making him feel guilty about doing anything other than catering to your needs.
Ask for help in some endeavor then become livid when it is given.
Insinuate yourself into your boyfriend's group of friends, break up with
him, then make sure you are present at every gathering for the next month
just to rub it in.
(... Man, you women
are something!...)
Your Moment of Zen
"If you find husband
staggering in backyard, shoot him again."
Dear Mailman, Please
send me some male:
(I'm here! I'm here!...)
I tell ya, I don't get no respect:
I aks my wife,
"You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?"
She says: "When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your
picture and the problem disappears."
So I says: "You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?"
She says: "'Yes, when I see your picture and say to myself, "What
problem could possibly be worse than this one ?"
No Respect At All...
The
Dannie's Daily's "Priceless" Moment of the Day!
(... Which one of you dumb blondes
out there married HIM!!!)
Thought for the Day
How does a man show that
he is planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer.
(... Thanks for
reminding me, I'm out of beer; Oh the humanity!..)
The Dannie's
Daily's "Sign" of the Day!
Men Can't
Even Spell!!!
(... Not much I can say there,
huh...)
You MUST Use The
"BACK" Button to Return Here!!!!
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to The Music Player
Dancing
in the Rain
Party
Games for Old Folks
Dreaming
of You, My Loving Hero
Rate These Men and
Women
Why
Men are Men
In honor of this
special issue, a special link: The
Bitch Letter generator, For Women
Ponderings From The "Sensitive" Woman The
Rules of Chocolate: If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.
Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
The problem: How to get two pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car.
The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.
Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite, and you'll eat less.
If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, that is a balanced
diet. They actually counteract each other.
Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.
Therefore, you need to eat more chocolate.
Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today.
That way, at least you'll get one thing done.
A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place.
Now, isn't that handy?
If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose.
An entire garment industry would be devastated. You can't let that happen, can you? From
Dannie:
I'm sick of Danny doing
all the Dangerfield Jokes! He should talk! I
tell ya, I don't get no respect:
So I buy this really expensive line of cosmetics: 500
bucks! Absolutely guaranteed to make me look years younger.
I sit in front of the mirror for what had to be hours
applying the "miracle" products. Finally, when I was done, I turned to my husband and asked him, "Hon, honestly now, what age would you say I am?"
He nodded his head in assessment, and carefully said, "Well, hon, judging from your skin, twenty. Your hair,
mmmm, eighteen. Your figure, twenty-five."
"Oh, you're so sweet!"
"Well, hang on, I'm not done adding it up yet." No
respect at all... You Bastard! 
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