Danny's Daily's Christmas 06!

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'Twas the Night Before Chrismas: Yo Brooklyn Version

'Twas the night before Christmas, da whole house was mellow,
Not a creature was stirrin,' (I had a gun unda my pillow.)

When up on da roof, I heard somethin' pound,
I sprung to da window to scream, "Yo! Keep it down!"

When what to my wanderin' eyes should appear,
But dat hairy elf Vinny, and eight friggin' reindeer.

Wit' a bad hackin' cough and da stencha burped beer,
I knew in a moment, Yo, da Kringle wuz here!

Wit' a slap to dere snouts and a yank on dere manes,
He cursed and he shouted and he called dem by name.

"Yo Tony, Yo Frankie, Yo Sally, Yo Vito,
Ay Joey, Ay Paulie, Ay Pepe, Ay Guido!"

As I drew out my gun and hid by da bed,
Down came his friggin' boot on da top a my head.

His eyes were all bloodshot, his b.o. wuz scary,
His breath wuz like sewage and he had a mole dat wuz hairy.

He spit in my eye and he twisted my head,
He let me know I should consider myself dead.

Den pointin' a fat finga right unda my nose,
He let out some gas and up da chimney he rose.

He sprang to his sleigh, obscenities screamin,'
And away dey all flew, before he troo dem a beatin.'

But I heard him exclaim, or better yet grump,
"Merry Christmas to all, and bite me ya hump!"

Dear Danny: We want to be your Christmas helpers. Please Post Us Naked

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"We'll even give you a co-ed naked hug!"

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-- You're both Hired! LOL --

Just before Christmas, an honest politician, a generous lawyer and Santa Claus were riding in the elevator of a very posh hotel.

Just before the doors opened they all noticed a $20 bill lying on the floor.

Which one picked it up?

Santa of course, because the other two don't exist!

Dear Santa, I've been a good mom all year. I've fed, cleaned and cuddled my children on demand, visited the doctor's office more than my doctor, and sold sixty-two cases of candy bars to raise money for a shade tree on the school playground.

I was hoping you could spread my list out over several Christmases since I had to write this letter with my son's red crayon, on the back of a receipt in the laundry room between cycles; who knows when I'll find anymore free time in the next 18 years.

Here are my Christmas wishes:

I'd like a pair of legs that don't ache (in any color, except purple, which I already have) and arms that don't hurt or flap in the breeze; but are strong enough to pull my screaming child out of the candy aisle in the grocery store.

I'd also like a waist, since I lost mine somewhere in the seventh month of my last pregnancy.

If you're hauling big ticket items this year, I'd like fingerprint resistant windows and a radio that only plays adult music, a television that doesn't broadcast any programs containing talking animals. and a refrigerator with a secret compartment behind the crisper where I can hide to talk on the phone.

On the practical side, I could use a talking doll that says, "Yes, Mommy" to boost my parental confidence, along with two kids who don't fight and three pairs of jeans that will zip all the way up without using power tools.

I could also use a recording of Tibetan monks chanting "Don't eat in the living room" and "Take your hands off your brother," because my voice seems to be just out of my children's hearing range and can only be heard by the dog.

If it's too late to find any of these products, I'd settle for enough time to brush my teeth and comb my hair in the same morning, or the luxury of eating food warmer than room temperature without it being served in a Styrofoam container.

If you don't mind, I could also use a few Christmas miracles to brighten the holiday season. Would it be too much trouble to declare ketchup a vegetable? It would clear my conscience immensely. It would also be helpful if you could coerce my children to help around the house without demanding payment as if they were the bosses of an organized crime family.

Well Santa, the buzzer on the dryer is ringing and my son saw my feet under the laundry room door. I think he wants his crayon back.

Have a safe trip and remember to leave your wet boots by the door and come in and dry off so you don't catch cold.

Help yourself to cookies on the table, but don't eat too many and don't leave crumbs on the carpet.

Yours Always,

Mom!

P.S. One more thing; you can cancel all my requests if you can keep my children young enough to believe in Santa.

Oh and Danny, thanks for sending this to Santa for me. Just one more thing if you will, would you Please Post Me Naked?

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-- I'm surprised you found the time! LOL --

Dear Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all Yeer. yer Frend, BiLLy

Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I send you a friggin' book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell! Santa

Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody! Love, Sarah

Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they? Santa

Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do? Love, Teddy

Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you really think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid, ice cold mom who constantly rides his ass? It's time to give up that dream. Let me get you some nice Lego's instead. Santa

Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door. Love, Susan

Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face when I'm in the sleigh. You wanna do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of scotch. Santa

Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys? Your friend, Thomas

Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know. Santa

Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping and do you really know when we're awake, like in the song? Love, Jessica

Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible or are you just a blonde? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house. Santa

Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE - PLEASE could I have one? Timmy

Timmy,
That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again. Santa

Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home? Love, Marky

Mark,
First of all, stop calling yourself "Marky," that's why you're getting your ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a piss ass low-rent trailer park. Third, I get inside your pad just like the boogeyman does, through your bedroom window. Sweet Dreams, Santa

The Dan Daily Holiday Diet Guide

If no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.

If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, they cancel each other out.

When eating with someone else, calories don't count if you both eat the same amount.

Foods used for medicinal purposes have no calories. This includes any chocolate used for energy, brandy, Sara Lee Cheesecake (eaten whole), and Haagen-Daz Ice Cream.

Movie-related foods are much lower in calories simply because they are a part of the entertainment experience and not part of one's personal fuel. This includes Milk Duds, popcorn with butter, Junior Mints, Snickers, and Gummi Bears.

Cookie pieces contain no calories because the process of breakage causes calorie leakage.

If you eat the food off someone else's plate, it doesn't count.

If you eat standing up, the calories all go to your feet and get
walked off.

Food eaten at Christmas parties has no calories, courtesy of Santa.

STRESSED is just DESSERTS spelled backward.

Dear Danny: My daughter is nuts about you and is driving us crazy! She seems to think I have some inside track to you; just because I bought her a membership for her 18th birthday and that was two years ago! Anyway, she's so excited about these pictures, her first and only, (I hope) she's been jumping all over the place naked. Do me a favor, give me and her Mom some peace and Please Post Her Naked!

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"Oh, and let's not forget about her butt. How could I forget that! She thinks she's got this world class nice butt..."

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-- That's because she DOES! I know you're her Dad and all, but believe me, she damn sure does! Thank her for me and thank you too! --

I tell ya, I don't get no respect;

Dear Danny, even though it's the Holiday Season, my wife's been having some problems and went to the Doctor.

When she got back, she told me the doctor said she couldn't make love.

I've known this for years.

I want to know how he found out!
Don Joey

No respect at all...

Lyles Corner!

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Now ruling from precedent, it seems; The Supreme Court has ruled once again that there can't be a Nativity Scene in Washington, DC this Christmas season.

This makes 20 years straight this ruling has been unanimous.

The Chief Justice stresses that this isn't for any religious reason. Once again, they just can't find three wise men and a virgin in the Nation's capitol.

As usual, there was no problem finding enough asses to fill the stable, however.

Be afraid, be very afraid...

Albuquerque, New Mexico: Two police officers have sued Burger King, claiming they were served hamburgers laced with marijuana.

Not exactly the kind of Holiday Cheer they were hoping for.

The lawsuit says Mark Landavazo and Henry Gabaldon, were in uniform and riding in a marked patrol car when they bought meals at the drive-through lane of the Burger King restaurant.

Bah Humbug...

The officers ate about half of their burgers before finding the marijuana on the meat. They used a field test kit to confirm the substance was pot, then went to a hospital for medical evaluations.

-- It does give a whole new meaning to the word 'Whopper.' --

The Bad, The Ugly, and the Just Plain Stupid!

Chesterfield Township, Michigan: A "Just Plain Stupid" man tried to pass a counterfeit check at a Wal-Mart.

What makes him a "Just Plain Stupid?" Well, he sure picked the wrong store at the wrong time, for one.

Dozens of officers were at the suburban Detroit store helping needy children pick out items as part of an annual "Shop with a Cop" charity event.

That didn't stop Calvin E. Fluckes Jr., from pulling into the parking lot next to 40 marked squad cars.

Folks, I can't make this up!

He was apparently unfazed by the police presence as he tried to pay for merchandise with a poorly photocopied check for $847.83.

The cashier called over a manager, who alerted one of the 80 officers who happened to be in the very same store.

-- And that folks, is Just Plain Stupid!

Need we go any further with this story? --

The Danny's Daily's Blonde Joke of the Day!

Buffie was out Christmas shopping the other night when she was pulled over by a blonde cop. He wanted to see her license.

After looking it over, he said to her, "Lady, it stipulates here on your license that you should be wearing glasses."

"I have contacts," Buff replied.

"Look lady, I don't care who you know," snapped the cop. "You're getting a ticket."

Religious Humor!

Luke, the pastor's son was taken aside by his mother. She asked him to say grace at the table in front of all the quests invited for Christmas dinner.

"But Ma, what do I say?"

"Just repeat what you've heard me say so many times..."

So, Luke stands and says loud and proud: "DEAR LORD, WHY DID I INVITE ALL THESE FREAK'N PEOPLE?!"

The Danny's Daily's Blonde Joke of the Day!

I was at one of the Malls shopping for perfume when two cute blondes walked up to the counter next to me. They picked up a sample bottle and the first one sprayed some on her wrist and smelled it. "That's quite nice, don't you think Tracy?"

"Yeah. What's it called Sharon?"

"Viens a moi."

"Viens a moi? What does that mean?"

The saleslady appeared and said, "Viens a moi, ladies, is French for 'come to me.'"

Sharon took anther sniff and offered her arm to Tracy again saying, "That doesn't smell like cum to me. Does that smell like cum to you?"

Then she stuck it in my nose and asked, "Sir, does that smell like cum to you?"

"No, you're right, it doesn't smell like cum."

-- Can you say red as an over ripe apple? --

Dear Danny; Ah yes, the season is upon us, Please Post Me Naked

-- Ah yes, the season of co-ed naked shared body heat. LOL --

Did Ya Know?

The average American takes six months to pay off holiday credit-card bills.

Pogonophobia is the fear of beards.

There are currently 78 people named S. Claus living in the U.S. -- and one Kriss Kringle.

December is the most popular month for nose jobs.

The weight of Santa's sleigh loaded with one Beanie Baby for every kid on earth: 333,333 tons.

The number of reindeer required to pull a 333,333-ton sleigh: 214,206 -- plus Rudolph.

Average wage of a mall Santa: $11 an hour. With real beard: $20 an hour.

To deliver his gifts in one night, Santa would have to make 822.6 visits per second, sleighing at 3,000 times the speed of sound. At that speed, Santa and his reindeer would burst into flames
instantaneously.

Dear Danny, Last year the excitement built and finally it was time to open our presents. The only trouble is, my husband wanted to open up me first. What do I do this year?

-- Just show up completely naked, silly... --

The Darwin Awards!

-- A Darwinian wannabee if I EVER saw one! Isn't the old rusted power outlet just too precious? It's sure not a GFI! Too much booze and not enough common sense. LOL --

One beautiful Christmas Eve in the islands, Pedro and his girlfriend Rosita were sitting by the side of the ocean. It was a romantic full moon when Pedro said, "Hey mamacita, let's play Weeweechu."

"Oh no, not now, lets look at the moon."

"Oh c'mon baby, let's you and I play Weeweechu. I love you and it's the perfect time," Pedro begged.

"But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon."

"Please corazoncito, just once, play Weeweechu with me."

"Oh ok, one time we'll play Weeweechu."

Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang..... "Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, "Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year."

The Danny's Daily's "Priceless Moment" of the Day!

Signs You Won't Be Receiving a Christmas Bonus This Year

Your co-workers refer to you as "the ghost of unemployment future."

The last time you saw your boss was when he testified against you at the embezzlement trial.

On your door, you find a lovely wreath of pink slips.

What you call "my new office," everybody else calls "the supply closet."

The boss's Christmas card says, "Don't let the door hit your ass on the way out."

You keep getting memos reminding you that employees are required to wear pants.

When your boss came over for Thanksgiving, he was crushed under an avalanche of stolen office supplies.

In your most recent performance evaluation, the word "shit" appeared 78 times.

It's a week after Christmas, I'm crabby and I'm broke.
I'm so full of ham and fruitcake, I think I'm gonna croak!
It's nice to see the relatives. I wonder when they'll leave...
They've been camping in my bathroom since early Christmas Eve.

It's Christmastime at my house, the relatives are here.
They ate me out of house and home and drank up all my beer.
I love the decorations and the sleigh bells in the snow,
But I wish those goddamned relatives would take their kids and go home!

Dear Danny: As you know, I'm one of your biggest fans. It's taken a while to get up the courage, but I'm glad I did. Please Post Me Naked

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"I even shaved my entire body, real close, just for you, do you like it?"

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-- Do I like it, are you kidding? You're very beautiful and well worth the wait. You wouldn't be looking for a husband anytime soon would you? Thanks Honey! --

The Danny's Daily's "Sign" of the Day!

You MUST Use The "BACK" Button to Return Here!!!!

To Return to The Music Player

Dan Daily Links: The Dan Daily Mall!

The 12 Lays of Christmas

Frosty the Blowman

Dan Daily is Santa's Elf

The Christmas Midi's

For Paid Members Only (sorry free folks, I'm not moving them)

The 12 Recounts of Christmas

Christmas Cartoons

Lovable Louise, the Blowup Doll

The Danny's Daily's Videos of the Day!

We Wish You a Merry Christmas

Awesome Christmas Lights

The Christmas that almost Wasn't (adult version)

Power Point of the Day!

A Real Man's Christmas Card

The Porky Pig "Blue Christmas Song!" (a classic)

-- I'll tell ya, Santa? All I want is her under my tree Christmas morning! --

The Christmas Balloon Dance

The Hang the Gift Santa Game

Married to Mrs. Claus

Spin Around the North Pole

Rappin Baby J for Jesus

Best Christmas Lights

A Christmas Card (Inspirational)

Inspirational Links of the Month; December

Christmas Cottage (Inspirational)

Ponderings from the "Sensitive Man"

It's that time of year when men and women come together as one in celebration. But, the moods of the two sexes are very different. Recognizing this is crucial to the proper celebration atmosphere.

So today, I Dan Daily, will lovingly point out these differences in this beautiful poem:

The Moods of a Woman

An angel of truth and a dream of fiction,
a woman is a bundle of contradiction.

She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse,
but will tackle her man alone in the house.

Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose,
she'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose.

She'll win you in range, enchant you in silk,
she'll be stronger than brandy and milder than milk.

At times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad,
she'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad.

The Moods of a MAN

Horny...

What Kind of Woman Reads Danny's Daily's?

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The Kind that knows it's better to give then to receive...

And since she knows it's better to give, she's an understanding women, sensitive to a man's needs and desires. She instinctively knows the things he needs; like a

Real Man's Remote Control

Ponderings from the "Sensitive Man" 2

Christmas Carols for the Psychiatrically Challenged

Schizophrenia: Do You Hear What I Hear?

Multiple Personality: We Three Queens Disoriented Are.

Dementia: I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas.

Narcissistic: Hark The Herald Angels Sing (About Me)

Mania: Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town!

Paranoia: Santa Claus is Coming To Get Me.

Obsessive Compulsive: Jingle Bell, Jgle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock...

Passive Regressive: On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (and then took it all away).

Dear Danny: My wife and I know your love for women who have, shall we say, a slightly wild side? Well, my wife decided to show her slight wild side as a Christmas present to you. Please Post Her Naked

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"Yeah, she's barefoot alright. <sigh> What can I say? She knows you like your women naked and barefoot; in a nice way. And she had so much fun, she decided not to stop there!"

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-- Barefoot in the snow; wild side?! How about Nutcase side... LOL Brrrr --

I tell ya, I don't get no respect;

Take last Christmas eve; we were coming out of the Christmas service and Pastor was standing at the door shaking everybody's hand like he always does.

When I got there he grabbed my hand, held me close and said "Danny, you have to join the ARMY of the Lord."

"I am in the ARMY of the Lord," I replied.

"Then why do I only see you in church on Christmas and Easter?"

"I'm in the Secret Service..."

No respect at all...

Here in Florida, we LOVE YOU DANNY!!!

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And I Love You Too!!!

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A special thanks to all my Santa's "Helpers" this year. Ladies, you add an entire dimension of beauty and playfulness in each and every issue I write. Danny's Daily's would be sorely lacking without you.

What can I say except Thank You!

Stay naked and stay smiling! I love you all!!.