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It's that time of year again and the IRS is sharpening
their pencils:
December 8 - 6:00 PM:
Just moved to Oswego New York and it started to snow.
The first snow of the season and the
wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching
the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven.
It looked like a Grandma Moses Print.
So romantic we felt like newlyweds
again.
I love snow!
December 9:
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch
of the landscape.
What a fantastic sight!
Can there be a lovelier place in the
whole world?
Moving here was the best idea I've
ever had!
Shoveled for the first time in years
and I felt like a boy again.
I did both our driveway and the
sidewalks.
This afternoon the snowplow came along
and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to
shovel again.
What a perfect life!
December 12:
The sun has melted all our lovely snow.
Such a disappointment!
My neighbors, Suzy and Ralph, tell me
not to worry; we'll definitely have a white Christmas.
No snow on Christmas would be awful!
My other neighbor Sonny, says we'll
have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow
again. I don't think that's possible. Suzy, Ralph, and Sonny
are really nice people, I'm glad they're our neighbors.
December 14:
Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night.
The temperature dropped to -20.
The cold makes everything sparkle so.
The wind took my breath away, but I
warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks.
This is the life!
The snowplow came back this afternoon
and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do
quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this
way.
I wish l wouldn't huff and puff so
much though.
December 15:
20 inches forecast.
Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer.
Bought snow tires for the wife's car
and 2 extra shovels.
Stocked the freezer.
The wife wants a wood stove in case
the electricity goes out, Sonny agrees.
I think that's silly. We aren't
in Alaska, after all.
December 16:
Ice storm this morning.
I fell on my ass in the driveway
putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an
hour, which I think was very cruel.
December 17:
Still way below freezing.
The roads are too icy to go anywhere
and the electricity was off for 5 hours.
I had to pile the blankets on to stay
warm.
Nothing to do but stare at the wife
and try not to piss her off.
Guess I should've bought the damned
wood stove, but I won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's
right and fuck Sonny!
I can't believe I'm freezing to
freaking death in my own living room.
December 20:
The electricity's back on, but we had another 14 inches of the damn
stuff last night.
More fucking shoveling and it took all
day!
The damn snowplow came by twice; the
bastard!
I tried to hire Herb's kid down the
street to
shovel, but he said they're too busy playing hockey. I think
he's lying.
I called the only hardware store
around to see about buying a snow blower and naturally, they're sold
out. They might have another shipment in March. I think
they're lying.
Ralph says I have to shovel or the
city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.
December 22:
Suzy was right about the white Christmas, because 13 more inches of the
white shit fell today, and it's so cold, it probably won't melt until
August!
It took me 45 minutes to get all
dressed up to go out to shovel, and then I had to piss. By the time
I got undressed, pissed, and dressed again. I was too tired to
shovel.
So, I tried to hire Sonny, who has a
plow on his truck, for the rest of the winter, but he says he's too
busy. I think the asshole is lying.
December 23:
Only 2 inches of snow today.
And it warmed up to 0.
The wife wanted me to decorate the
front of the house this morning.
What is she, fucking nuts?!! Why
didn't she tell me to do that a month ago?
She says she did but I think she's
lying.
See the Blow up on the Members Page
December 24:
6 more inches. The snow was packed so hard by the snowplow, l
broke the shovel. I thought I was having a heart attack.
If I ever catch the son of a bitch who
drives that snow plow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and
beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around
the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling, so then he can come down
the fuck'n street at a 100 miles an hour and throw snow all over where I've
just been!
Tonight the wife wanted me to sing
Christmas carols with her and open our presents. Fuck her and fuck
them, I was too busy watching for the damn snowplow.
December 25:
Merry freaking Christmas!
20 more inches of the damn slop
tonight; we're Snowed in.
The idea of shoveling makes my blood
boil and my balls ache.
God, I hate the fucking snow!
Then the snowplow driver came by
asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel.
The wife says I have a bad attitude.
I think she's a stupid idiot. If
I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to
stuff her into the microwave.
December 26:
Still snowed in.
Why the hell did I ever move here?
It was all HER idea and she's really getting on my nerves. And
Jesus! What are Suzy, Ralph and Sonny anyway? Eskimos?!!
You Fuck'n Oswego mutants anyway!!
December 27:
The temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze; the plumber came
after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $1,400 to replace
my pipes.
December 28:
Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in.
The BITCH is driving me crazy!!!
December 29:
10 more inches.
Ralph and Sonny says I have to shovel the roof
or it could cave in. That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.
How dumb do they think I am?
December 30:
The roof caved in.
I finally beat the shit out of the
snow plow driver, and now he's suing me for a million dollars, not only
for the beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the broken snow
shovel handle up his ass.
The wife went home to her mother.
Nine more inches predicted.
December 31:
I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.
January 8:
I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep
giving me.
Why am I tied to the bed?
Awesome Picture!
Click on the Picture
IF YOU LOVE SOMEBODY...
THE ORIGINAL VERSION:
If you love something, Set it
free...
If it comes back, it's yours: If it doesn't, it never was yours...
THE PESSIMIST VERSION:
If you love somebody, Set her free...
If she ever comes back, she's yours: If she doesn't, well, as expected,
she never was.
THE OPTIMIST VERSION:
If you love somebody, Set her free...
Don't worry, she'll come back.
THE SUSPICIOUS VERSION:
If you love somebody, Set her free...
If she ever comes back, ask her why.
THE PLAYFUL VERSION:
If you love somebody, Set her free...
If she comes back, and if you love her still, set her free again,
repeat
THE LAWYER'S VERSION:
If you love somebody, Set her
free...
Clause 1a of Paragraph 13a-1 in the second amendment of the Matrimonial
Freedom Act clearly states that...
THE BILL GATES VERSION:
If you love somebody, Set her
free...
If she comes back, I think we can charge her for re-installation fees
and tell her that she's also going to get an upgrade.
THE POSSESSIVE VERSION:
If you love somebody, don't ever
set her free.
THE PSYCHOLOGIST'S VERSION:
If you love somebody set her
free...
If she comes back, her super ego is dominant. If she doesn't come,
back her id is supreme. If she doesn't go, she must be crazy.
THE FINANCE EXPERT VERSION:
If you love somebody set her
free...
If she comes back, its time to look for fresh loans.
If she doesn't, write her off as an asset gone bad.
THE MARKETING VERSION:
If you love somebody set her
free...
If she comes back, she has brand loyalty: If she doesn't, reposition the
brand in new markets.
Can You Hear Me Now?!
Dear
Danny: Awhile back, our dog suddenly began barking
almost every night around 3 a.m.
Irritated and sleepy, my husband,
Larry, searched the back yard for what might have disturbed this
otherwise peaceful animal.
For three days, he found nothing
amiss. When the dog woke up the neighborhood a fourth night at 3
a.m. with frantic barking, Larry finally snuck around the house through
the alley, only to discover our quiet neighbor, the last man you'd
suspect of wrongdoing, throwing pebbles over the fence at our dog.
My husband demanded to know what he
was doing.
"My mother-in-law is visiting," the
embarrassed neighbor explained. "If she gets woken up in the
middle of the night one more time, she says she'll leave!"
That's my story and I'm stick'n by it!
Dee
Dear Danny,
My husband is a liar and a cheat. He's cheated
on me from the beginning, and when I confront him, he denies everything.
What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me.
It is so humiliating.
Also, since he lost his job six years ago, he hasn't
even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars and
cruise around with his buddies. Meanwhile, I have to work to pay
the bills. Since our daughter went away to college, he doesn't even
pretend to like me and hints that I may be a lesbian. What should
I do?
Signed: Clueless
Dear Clueless:
Grow up and dump him. Good god woman. You don't need him
anymore! You're a United States Senator running
for President of the United States. Act like one...
Danny
Martin went to a brothel and told the
madam, "I want a girl with big
boobs and a small box."
"Why?" she asked him.
"Never mind! I'm paying for it
and I want a girl with big tits and a small cunt!"
"No problem," said the madam.
"Go straight up the stairs to room 23."
A few minutes later there was a knock
on the door, and a young woman walked in.
"Okay," she said," are you the guy
with the big mouth and the small
dick?"
Awesome Art!
Click on the Picture
Two More on the Members Page
Lyndhurst, Ohio:
A retiree turned in more than 1 million pennies at a coin-counting
machine, getting $10,480.13 back for 3½ decades of thrift.
Over the years, Eugene Sukie, 78, of
Barberton, a retired glass plant supervisor, rolled the pennies in
wrappers and stored them in 575 cigar boxes organized by year and mint.
The pennies, weighing 3½ tons, were
trucked from Sukie's home to a coins-to-cash machine at a suburban
Cleveland supermarket.
Sukie was worried that he and his wife
were getting old and eventually wouldn't be able to get the pennies out
of their basement.
Collecting the pennies helped him
relax, Sukie said.
"In the evenings, I'd go into the
basement and count them. It was relaxing for me," he said.
Coinstar Inc. of Bellevue, Wash.,
which operates coin-counting machines, charged Sukie an 8.9 percent
service charge, or $932.73, and paid him $1,500 for the right to tell
his story. Sukie
pocketed more than $11,000.
The Worlds BEST Job!
See the Blowup on the Members Page
The
Bad, The Ugly, and the Just Plain Stupid!
From Sacramento, California:
Comes the story of "Just Plain Stupid" Sudan Parmalee who walked into a
bank and announced that he was there to rob it.
Unfortunately, he spoke in a very low
voice and with all the nasal congestion he had going on, it was
difficult to understand him.
So, he went to another teller, said he
was armed and asked for a tissue.
When the teller said she had no
Kleenex, Sudan walked over to a nearby pharmacy, where we suppose he
bought himself some tissues, and maybe some Nyquil.
When he returned to the bank a few
minutes later to finish his robbery, the police were there and
immediately arrested him.
-- Like Duh? LOL --
The
Danny's Daily's Blonde Joke of the Day!
Jill complained to Nina, "Rosey told
me that you told her the secret I told you not to tell her."
"Well," replied Nina in a hurt tone,
"I told her not to tell you I told her."
"Oh dear!" sighed Jill. "Well,
don't tell her I told you that she told me."
-- sigh --
A blonde heard that milk baths would
make her beautiful. So, she left a note for her milkman to leave
25 gallons of milk.
When the milkman read the note, he
thought there must be a mistake. So, he knocked on the door to
clarify the point.
The blonde came to the door and the
milkman said, "I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk.
Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"
"I want 25 gallons. I'm going to
fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young
and beautiful again."
The milkman asked, "Do you want it
pasteurized?"
The blonde said, "No, just up to my
boobs. I can splash it on my eyes."
Lyles Corner!
The
Danny's Daily's "Priceless Moment" of the Day!
A woman is home when there's a knock
at the door. She goes to the door and opens it to see a man
standing there.
He asks the lady, 'Do you have a
vagina?'
She slams the door in disgust.
The next morning she hears a knock at
the door and it's the same man and he asks the same question: 'Do
you have a vagina?'
She slams the door again.
This time she told her husband.
In a
loving and concerned voice: 'Honey
I'm taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up
again.'
The next morning they hear a knock and
both run for the door.
The husband says to the wife in a
whispered voice, 'Honey, I'm
going to hide behind the door and listen. If it's the same guy, I
want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where he is
going with it.'
She nods yes to her husband and opens
the door.
Sure enough the same fellow is
standing there and asks the same question.
'Do you have a vagina?"
'Yes,' she says.
'Good! Would you mind telling
your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours?'
The following is the 2007 winning entry from an annual
contest at Texas A&M University calling for the most appropriate
definition of a contemporary term.
This year's term: "Political Correctness"
"Political Correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a
delusional, illogical, liberal minority, and rabidly promoted by an
unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it
is entirely possible to pick up a piece of shit by the clean end."
The
Danny's Daily's "Sign" of the Day!
Click on the Picture
You MUST Use The
"BACK" Button to Return Here!!!!
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to The Music Player
When did
Sex become boring?
10 Occupations Inaccurately Associated With Sexiness
Bar de Boa
(type in your name)
The Lock of
Shame LOL
You Tube:
Hillary's new
fragrance (this is really funny)
The Danny's Daily's Videos of
the Day!
Don't drive in a Russian Tunnel!
Sensual Bathtub Scene
(R)
For Members Only!
Geeks Unleashed: The Water
Harp
The Beer Diet
Free
Dan Daily Games!
Members Dan Daily Games!
The Dan Daily
Mall!
Ponderings from the "Sensitive
Man"
Hear about Kentucky-Freud Chicken?
It's mother-fucking good!
What do you call a gay gentleman
from the Deep South?
A homo-sex-y'all.
What is the difference between a blonde and an inflatable doll?
About 2 cans of hair spray
What do you call a mexican after a
vasectomy?
A dry martinez!
What's the quickest way to get into a blondes pants?
First... pick them up off the floor...
Japanese Tug of War
WTF?!!
How did Bill and Hillary Clinton
meet?
They were dating the same girl in high school.
Have you heard about the new Playboy magazine for married men?
Every month it's the same girl.
Opportunity knocks only once.
If you hear a second knock, it's probably a
Jehovah's witness.
How does James Bond like his pussy?
Just like me: Shaven, not furred.
Ties Only? I Love it...
See the Blow up on the Member Page
I tell ya, I don't get no respect:
Take the other day, Buffie
greeted me at the door in a see-through negligee!
The only TROUBLE is, she was comin' home!"
No respect at all...
See the Blow up on the Members Page
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