|
Don't want to see
the ads? Join the Members Sites and see the Full
Length version of this Issue, (the "real"
Danny's Daily's)
Only
22.95 for a full year and there's a lot more!
Instant Access
Danny's
Daily's
Satisfaction Guaranteed; or
the Next Issue is Free!
I Love Chocolate!
New Directions for the War on Terror
I'm 50 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists.
(You can't be older than 42 to join the military.)
I think they've got the whole thing
ass backwards. Instead of sending 18-year-olds off to fight, they
ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a
military unit until you're at least 35.
For starters:
Researchers say 18-year-olds think
about girls every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about girls a
couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds
per day to concentrate on the enemy.
Young guys haven't lived long enough
to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is one dangerous sonofabitch!
"My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry!" Face
it, we're impatient old bastards and maybe letting us kill some
terrorists will make us feel better and shut us up for a little while.
An 18-year-old doesn't even like to
get up before 10 a.m.
Hell, us old guys always get up early
to go to the bathroom anyway, so what the hell. Besides, like I
said, "I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well
be up killing some fanatical Islamic wack job.
If captured, we couldn't spill the
beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank,
and serial number would be a real brainteaser.
Boot camp would be easier for old
guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we like
soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns.
We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house,
away from the screaming and yelling.
They could lighten up on the obstacle
course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single
20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any
pushups after completing basic training. I can hear the Drill Sgt.
now, "Get down and give me. er ... one."
Actually, the running part is kind of
a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.
An 18-year-old has the whole world
ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a
conversation with a pretty girl. Shit, he still hasn't figured out
that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his
head. These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home, to
learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.
Let us old guys track down those dirty
rotten cowards who attacked us on September 11. The last thing an
enemy would want to see right now is a couple of million angry old dudes
with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are
already behind them!!!
If nothing else, put us on the Mexican border
and we'll have it secured the first night.
Dan Daily
Muslim Pussy
A father and son went hunting together
for the first time.
The father said, "Stay here and be
very QUIET. I'll be across the field."
A few minutes later the father heard a
blood-curdling scream and ran back to his son. "What's wrong?
I told you to be quiet."
The boy, bless his heart, answered;
"Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet.
I was quiet when the bear breathed
down my neck.
I didn't move a muscle when the skunk
climbed over my shoulder.
I closed my eyes and held my breath
when the wasp stung me.
I didn't cough when I swallowed the
gnat.
I didn't cuss or scratch when the
poison oak started itching.
But shit, when the two squirrels
crawled up my pant legs and said, should we eat them here or take them
with us?' "Well, I guess I just panicked..."
Lyles Corner!
Click on the Picture
As you know, this has been one of the
toughest years in my life.
I've learned, that
when I'm troubled or confused, I find comfort in sitting in my back yard
and having a big Rum & Coke, along with a quiet conversation with Jesus.
This happened to me again after a particularly difficult day with the
I.R.S..
I said 'Jesus, why do I work so hard?'
And I heard the reply: 'Men find many ways to demonstrate the love
they have for their family. You work hard to have a peaceful,
beautiful place for your friends and family to gather.'
I said: 'I
thought that money was the root of all evil.' And the reply was:
'No, the LOVE of money is the root of all evil. Money is a tool;
it can be used for good or bad.'
I was starting to feel better, but I
still had that one burning question, so I asked it.
'Jesus,' I said, 'What is the meaning
of life? Why am I here?' He replied,' That is a question
many men ask. The answer is in your heart and is different for
everyone. I would love to chat with you some more, Señor, but now,
I have to finish your lawn.'
Hey, if you can't laugh at yourself,
you've got nothing left...
Awesome Picture!
Click the Picture
Ponderings from the "Sensitive
Man"
Words to Live By:
If most of us are ashamed of shabby
clothes and shoddy furniture,
let us be more ashamed of shabby ideas and shoddy philosophies.
Two things are infinite; the universe
and human stupidity. And I'm not sure about the universe.
Sometimes one pays most for the things
one gets for nothing.
We can't solve problems by using the
same kind of thinking we used when we created them.
A + B + C = Success if, A = Hard Work,
B = Hard Play, C = Keeping your mouth shut.
The hardest thing in the world to
understand is the income tax.
Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour.
Put your arm around a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a
minute. That's relativity.
God is subtle, but he's not malicious.
Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that
counts can be counted.
Someone sent me a really nice picture of the beach.
I was going to use it for the Awesome Picture today, but already had it
formatted.
So, I'll add it as an extra:
View of the Beach
See the Blow up on the Members Sites
If you look real close, you can see the beach!
Montgomery, Alabama: A
burglar in Montgomery chose the wrong family to mess with, literally.
Adrian and Tiffany McKinnon returned
home after a week away, to find that thieves had emptied
almost everything the family of five owned, Tiffany said
through tears.
"Tears just rolled down my face as I
walked in and saw everything gone and piles of trash all over my home."
Adrian sent his wife to see
her sister while he inspected the piles left behind. As he walked
back into the sunroom, a man walked through the back door straight into
him.
"My
husband Adrian caught the thief red-handed in our home, and what is even
crazier, the man even had my husband's hat sitting right on his head."
Tiffany said.
Adrian held the suspect, 33-year-old
Tajuan Bullock, at gunpoint and told him to sit on the floor until he
decided what to do.
"We made this man clean up all the
mess he made, piles of stuff, he had thrown out of my drawers and
cabinets onto the floor," Tiffany said.
When police arrived, Bullock
complained about being forced to clean the home at gunpoint.
"This man had the nerve to raise sand
about us making him clean up the mess he made in my house," she said.
"The police officer laughed at him and said anybody else would have shot
him dead."
The
Bad, The Ugly, and the Just Plain Stupid!
From Lindenhurst, New York:
Where three "Just Plain Stupids" stole several electronic devices from
the public works garage.
Thinking they were cell phones, the
idiots took them home and turned them on.
Bad idea. They weren't cell
phones. They were global positioning devices. And when they
turned them on, the GPS units directed the cops straight to their house.
Busted, assholes!
The
Danny's Daily's Blonde Joke of the Day!
To prove just how smart the blondes
who work for McDonalds are, I told my brother that I would order a
cheeseburger without cheese, just to find out what the guy would say.
He did just what I thought he would
do, he called back to the grill for a cheeseburger with no cheese
instead of handing me a regular burger off the warmer.
The blonde working the grill didn't
catch on either, because she wrapped it in a special wrapper instead of
suggesting that he just give me a regular hamburger!
The
Danny's Daily's "Priceless Moment" of the Day!
We went to the movies the other night.
I sat in an aisle seat, as I usually do, because of my long legs.
Just as the feature was about to
start, a baby boomer from the center of the row got up and started
working her way out.
"Excuse me. Sorry! Oops.
Excuse me, pardon me, gotta hurry. Oops! Excuse me."
By the time she got to me, I was
trying to look around her and I was a little impatient, I said,
"Couldn't you have done this a little earlier?"
"No!" she said in a loud whisper.
"The 'Turn Off Your Cell Phone, Please' message just flashed up on the
screen and mine is out in the car."
Speaking of Boomers, I sure do miss "Flower Power."
See the Blow up on the Members Page
Dear
Danny: My dumb blonde husband and I were touring our
friends' new home.
Henry and Clara Curtis had put special
touches everywhere.
In the bathroom, my husband leaned
over to me and whispered, "They even have monogrammed faucets."
Come back soon Danny!
Darla
Did you hear about the beach by the Nuclear Power
Plant that's been shut down?! It seems they've found some
mutations!
The
Danny's Daily's "Sign" of the Day!
You MUST Use The
"BACK" Button to Return Here!!!!
To Return
to The Music Player
Insane Landing
Idiots Cutting Branches
Best Prank Ever:
Stopping time at Grand Central Station
A
New Fragrance LOL
The Worst Gadgets Ever!
The Audio System that Costs as much as a House!
(I use these brand's speakers)
The Danny's Daily's Videos of
the Day!
State Employees
Herbal Elements
For Paid Members Only!
Jerry Springer: Catfight
Strange Date
Free
Dan Daily Games!
Members Dan Daily Games!
The Dan Daily
Mall!
A Stanford medical research group advertised for
participants in a study of the obsessive-compulsive disorder. They
were looking for therapy clients who had been diagnosed with this
disorder.
The response was gratifying. They got 300
responses the day after the ad came out and they knew they found their
man because they were all from the same person...
I tell ya, I don't get no respect:
Buffie had been wanting
new kitchen cabinets for a long time, but I insisted they were an
extravagance.
She went to visit her mother for two weeks and when
she got back, she was overjoyed to find that I surprised her by
installing beautiful new cabinets.
Needless to say, I was getting plenty after that!
But, a few days later, Dave, a neighbor and a damned
Danny's Daily's member, came over to visit and after admiring the new
cabinets, said, "All of us were so glad that the fire Danny had while
you were gone was just confined to the kitchen."
There was NO fire, the bastard!!!
No respect at all...
Cya Next Week Gang, it's Nice to be Back!!!
|
