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"Danni's
Daily's"
Satisfaction Guaranteed; or
the Next Issue is Free!
I tell
ya, I don't get no respect;
I'm a modern woman and got a new female dentist.
I told her to
put in a new tooth to match my other teeth.
She put in a tooth with four cavities.
No Respect at all...
Hey Ladies! I have a new treatment for men's tantrums:
Let's face it, dealing with your man's temper can be
difficult.
Sure, you can just beat him senseless, but where's the
fun in that?
For the most part, guys are just drones with minds
pliable like silly putty, just begging to be led around by their tongues
with the remote chance that some woman, somewhere, will show them the
attention they so painfully don't deserve.
Every once in a while, you get an
independent thinker, like that bastard Dan Daily, who just throws the whole equation off. With
that in mind, I have invented a treatment for the opinionated male.
Instructions for use:
Use as needed during periods of
unstable outbursts of emotion, opinion, or otherwise unwelcome verbal
assaults.
Stick
one Temper Tampon™ up the man in need's asshole.
*For severe cases or multiple disorders such as assholeidus or
retentivitis, stick another one in. More severe then that?
Stick an additional Temper Tampon™ in his mouth. That'll shut
the sonofabitch up.
Medical precautions:
Testicular Shock Syndrome has been found in a small number of cases.
Patients report shrunken testicles, uncontrollable mood swings and
marked water retention. There is no known cure. (and we're not
looking for one either!)
What I Want In A Man!
What I
Want In A Man, Original List ... (at age 22)
1.
Handsome,
2. Charming,
3.
Financially Successful,
4. A Caring
Listener,
5. Witty,
6. In Good
Shape,
7. Dresses
with Style,
8.
Appreciates the Finer Things,
9. Full of
Thoughtful Surprises,
10.
An
Imaginative, Romantic Lover.
What I
Want In A Man, Revised List ... (at age 42)
1. Not
too ugly, a bald head is ok,
2. Doesn't
drive off until I'm in the car,
3. Works
steady and splurges on dinner at McDonald's on occasion,
4. Nods head
at the appropriate times when I'm talking,
5. Usually
wears a shirt that covers his stomach,
6. Knows not
to buy champagne with screwtop lids,
7. Remembers
to put the toilet seat lid down,
8. Shaves on
most weekends.
What I
Want In A Man, Revised List ... (at age 62)
1.
Doesn't scare small children,
2. Remembers
where the bathroom is,
3. Doesn't
require much money for upkeep,
4. Only
snores lightly when awake (LOUDLY when asleep),
5. Forgets
why he's laughing,
6. Is in
good enough shape to stand up by himself,
7. Likes
soft foods,
8. Remembers
where he left his teeth,
9.
Remembers
when...
What
I Want In A Man, Revised List ... (at age 72)
1.
Breathing
What
I Want In A Man RIGHT NOW!
Definition of the perfect husband: A guy who makes his
wife's panties wet...
… He does the laundry every week.
Dear God,
Now I lay me down to sleep, Oops! Hi God; this is Davy
in case you don't member me. I gotta tell you sompunn,
could you please help my mommy? She's been sad lately cuz
her puter don't work no more. I know she wants you to help cuz I heard her callin your name a couple times yesterday when she was trying to get it to start, did you hear her? She was loud enough.
Will you please make her puter better? I heard her say her
old puter's mommy broke a board today.
She wants one of
them kind with a great big billie goat. I can't remember what they are called, but you can ask my daddy, he knows. Oh wait,
yeah, now I remember it's a RAM!
She wants one with ears hanging on the side of it's TV where
the music and Uh Ohs come from. She said she wanted some
kind of net too, I guess to catch the puter if'n she knocks it off the table. The last puter's brain wasn't too good God.
Mommy said it couldn't member anything. So give her one with a
"Really Big Brain" so it will have a real good memory.
She wants
another animal too. A little grey mouse. I thought she didn't like
um, but I guess it eats all the food she drops around the puter.
Oh yeah and one more thing God, she wants one of
them boxes where you put the flat donuts in.
Thanks God.
Oops, I almost forgot, don't forget to Bless everyone tonight too, good night God,
your pal
Davy My Husband! He still
believes in the pot of gold!
...Then there was the blonde who had trouble filling out a job
application form.
Where it said, "Married," she wrote "twice"; where
it said, "Children," she wrote, "No, both were men... Well, actually it's the
same thing..."
I told my husband if he likes breakfast in bed he
should sleep in the kitchen.
Somerset, Pennsylvania:
Someone kicked in the door of a man's
apartment, stuck a knife in the door and took a chilled salad from his
refrigerator.
He told investigators someone broke
into his apartment while he went to a nearby tavern. Nothing but
the salad was missing, police said.
Police said they have a suspect and
expect to file charges once they finish their investigation.
-- Petit Larceny- Salad --
The
Bad, The Ugly, and the Just Plain Stupid!
Sierra Vista, Arizona:
A 62-year-old grandmother who prosecutors
said ran drugs to support her bingo habit, has been sentenced to three
years in prison and a $150,000 fine.
Acting on a tip, state police stopped
Leticia Villareal Garcia near Bisbee in southeast Arizona and found 214
pounds of marijuana stuffed in the trunk of her car.
-- I don't think that's what Miller means when they
talk about the "High Life." --
The
Danni's Daily's Blonde Joke of the Day!
Two blonde hunters were dragging their
dead deer back to their car.
Another hunter approached pulling his
along too.
"Hey, I don't want to tell you how to
do something...
but I can tell you that it's much easier if you drag the deer in the
other direction. Then the antlers won't dig into the ground."
After the third hunter left, the two
decided to try it.
A little while later, the one hunter
said to the other, "You know, that guy was right. This is a lot
easier!"
"Yeah," the other added, "but we're
getting farther away from the truck..."
Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.
Ponderings from the "Sensitive"
Woman;
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you said.
After marriage, he'll fall asleep before you finish saying it.
No man is ever completely
worthless.
He can at least be used as a bad example!
I like to stare at men's boobs,
just to teach the bastards a lesson.
The
Danny's Daily's "Priceless Moment" of the Day!
Click on the Picture
What's the best way to kill a man?
Put a naked woman, a remote control, a bucket of
bait, tickets to the hockey game, and a six-pack in front of him.
Then tell him to pick only one...
What's the definition of a bastard?
A man who fucks you all night with a 2 inch dick, then kisses you
good-bye with a 12 inch tongue.
Three women are discussing men:
"I love to see a man's firm ass" Linda says.
Mary nods but says "I think I like to look at a man's washboard stomach."
They turn to Jill, "What about you?"
"Me? I prefer to see the top of his head."
Men are such dreamers,
you ask them how big they are?
What do they tell you?
In you wildest dreams
buddy!
The
Danni's Daily's "Sign" of the Day!
Definitions By Gender
THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female:
Any part under a car's hood.
Male:
The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female:
Fully opening up one's self emotionally to
another.
Male:
Playing football without a jock strap.
COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female:
The open sharing of thoughts and feelings
with one's partner.
Male:
Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a
weekend with the boys.
BUTT (but) n.
Female:
The body part that every item of clothing
manufactured
makes "look bigger."
Male:
What you slap when someone's scored a touchdown, home run, or goal. Also good for mooning.
ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female:
A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male:
Anything that can be done while drinking.
FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female:
An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
Male:
An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and
male bonding.
MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female:
The greatest expression of intimacy a
couple can achieve.
Male:
Call it whatever you want, just as long as we end up in bed.
REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female:
A device for changing from one TV channel
to another.
Male:
A device for scanning through all 75 channels every three
minutes.
You MUST Use The
"BACK" Button to Return Here!!!!
To Return
to The Music Player
News You Can Use!
Now
Doctors say it's good to be overweight?? (proof you shouldn't
listen to any of them.
Compact
Fluorescent lights; are they really green?
The New Fold up Car?
Schwarzenegger Veto's Justice?
Breasts:
The new weapon in the war on terror!
Microsoft Vista;
it just plain sucks! LOL
How
to hide an Airplane Factory!
Boulder
Colorado's Naked Pumpkin Run!
Free
Dan Daily Games!
Members Dan Daily Games!
The Dan Daily
Mall!
From the Dan Daily Servers:
The Danny's Daily's Videos of
the Day! For the Free
Issues:
The Hookers IQ Test!
The Worlds Biggest Vagina!
For Paid Members Only!
The Perfect Secretary
Dana Delany gets Spanked
(this is hot!)
How You Know You Were A Little Girl Of The 70's
You wore that rainbow shirt that was half-sleeves and the rainbow went
up one sleeve, across your chest, and down the other.
You made baby chocolate cakes in your
Easy Bake Oven.
"Oh Mickey you're so fine, you're so
fine you blow my mind. Hey Mickey!"
You wanted to be Laura Ingalls Wilder
really bad. You wore that Little House on the Prairie-inspired
plaid, ruffled shirt with the high neck in at least one school picture.
You wanted your first kiss to be at
the roller rink.
You thought Shaun Cassidy actually
wrote the songs "Da Do Run Run" and "Hey There Lonely Girl."
You couldn't wait to be old enough to
wear high-heeled shoes. The one's called "Yo Yo's" with the
plastic heel with a hole through it.
You carried a Muppets lunch box to
school.
You and your girlfriends would fight
over which of the Dukes of Hazard was *your* boyfriend.
It was a big event in your household
each year when the "Wizard of Oz" would come on TV. Break out the
popcorn and sleeping bags! (hey, you didn't have
to be a child of the 70's for that!)
You completely wore out your Grease
and Saturday Night Fever soundtrack albums.
You used to tape record songs off the
radio by holding your tape recorder up to the speaker.
You couldn't wait to get the free
animal poster that came when you ordered books from the Scholastic book
orders your teacher would give you. Remember? The order
catalogs looked like miniature newspapers.
I Tell Ya, I don't Get No Respect;
Danny won a trip for two; He went twice; the bastard!..
No Respect At All...
Click on the Picture
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