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Danny's
Daily's
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the Next Issue is Free!
Three guys sitting at a bar start
arguing about who has the ugliest wife. The conversation begins to
get heated to the point the barkeeper tells them to shut up or get the
hell out!
In fact he says, "Why don't you settle
it once and for all. Visit each other's houses and decide for
yourselves."
"Damn good idea," they agree, so when
they finish their drinks, they head for the first guys house.
When they got there, he banged on his
door and the wife answered. She's not pretty and he turns to
collect the bet from the other two.
"Not so fast," says the second, "I got
that beat." So, off they go to his house. He bangs on his
door and his wife comes to answer. As the door opens, all three
step back in fright, she's damn ugly. He asks to collect the bet,
but the third guy says, "Sorry; I've got you both beat."
"You can beat that?!"
So, off they go to his house and walk
right in. There's no sign of anyone around. He stomps his
foot on the trap door in the floor and they hear this voice say, "Is
that you honey?"
"Yeah it's me."
"Do you want me to come out?" she
asks.
"Yes please."
"Should I put the bag on my head?"
"No. I don't want to fuck you, I
just want to show you off!"
A woman went out to do the week's
grocery shopping, but she didn't even make it to the supermarket when she was run off the road by a couple
of hot-rodders racing on Main Street
in their small town.
In order to avoid hitting them
head-on, she swerved hard to the right, and went down the embankment.
It took a few seconds for her to stop
shaking, but she realized she was ok, found her glasses and got out of
the car.
When she got up top of the slope, she
found a nearby phone, limped over to it and called her husband.
"You're gonna have to get the car
fixed, hon."
"Why? What's wrong with it?"
He figured if it's something minor he could fix it on the spot.
"There's water in the carburetor."
"Now how would you know that?
You don't know shit about cars. Did someone tell you that?
Where's the car? I'll have to look at it."
"It's in the middle of the Pautuxent
River!"
Did you hear about the lady with the
five children whose doctor prescribed her Valium for anxiety and stress?
Well, when she went back two weeks
later she told the doctor that everything was wonderful! "The Valium
worked miracles!" She said that her house was quiet and clean, and
now she had time to read and enjoy her favorite television shows each
day. But she needed a refill on her script.
"A refill, already?!" asked the
doctor, "How many pills are you taking?"
"Taking? I've been giving them
to my children."
Lyles Corner!
It was during World War II and the captain was trying
to rally the GIs on the eve of a big offensive.
"Out there, men" said the captain, "is your enemy.
The man who has made your life miserable, who is working to destroy you;
the man who has been trying to kill you, day after day throughout this
war."
Private Johnson jumped to his feet. "My God
Captain! The cook's working for the Nazis?!"
Ponderings from the "Sensitive
Man"
The Worlds Shortest Books Pt. 1
The Code of Ethics for Lawyers
The Australian Book of Foreplay
The Book of Motivated Postal Workers
Americans' Guide to Etiquette
The World Guide to Good American Beer
Royal Family's Guide to Good Marriages
Safe Places to Travel in the USA
Bill Clinton: A Portrait of
Integrity
Jerry Garcia's Guide to Beating Drug
Addiction
Contraception by Pope John Paul II
A guy complained to his doctor that
his sex life was deteriorating rapidly.
The doctor told him he needed to
re-introduce excitement, guilt, etc. into the process.
He pondered this for a few days and
hatched a plan.
At his next visit, when he was called
in, the doctor asked him how things went that week.
"Well," he says to the doctor, "a week
ago, when I got home I did everything you suggested. The boss let
me leave work an hour early. I sped home and I skidded all the way
up the driveway. I slammed open the door, charged into the house
and found Sheila in the living room. I stripped her naked right
then, and we went at it on the coffee table!"
"And did you enjoy it?" asked the
doctor enthusiastically.
"Well yeah," says the guy slowly and
thoughtfully. "We enjoyed it alright, but the ladies' Bible study group
was kinda surprised..."
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Dear
Danny: As you know, I used to do tech support and was
throwing away old files. I ran across some old notes and started
reading them. This is a funny one:
A really polite lady called to ask for
help with a Windows installation that had gone terribly wrong.
She said "I brought my Windows disks
from work to install them on my home computer."
Our training
stressed that we are not the Software Police, so I let the little act of
piracy slide and said "Umm hmm, and what happened?"
"Well, as I put each disk in, it turns
out they weren't initialized."
"Do you remember the message exactly,
ma'am?"
(proudly) "I wrote it down. It
said, 'This is not a Macintosh disk. Would you like to initialize
it?'"
"Er, what happened next?"
"After they were initialized, all the
disks appeared to be blank. And now I brought them back to work
and I can't read them in the A: drive. The PC wants to format
them. And this is our only set of Windows disks for the whole
office. Did I do something wrong?"
I remember bursting out laughing.
LOL
You da Man Dan!
Felix
A group of Russian communists
want to clone Joseph Stalin to bring back the good old days.
Pravda reports that Alexander Kuvayev, leader of the Moscow Communist
Society, put forward the idea at a party to mark the 50th anniversary of
Stalin's death…
… Instead of Stalin, maybe the Russians should
concentrate on cloning the millions of innocent people he murdered…
The
Bad, The Ugly, and the Just Plain Stupid!
From Mandeville, Florida:
Authorities are still trying to figure out what was going through his
mind. Our "Just Plain Stupid" broke into a home, picked up a box
of strawberries someone had left near the door, and put them on the
kitchen table.
He then took a shower and changed
clothes, stealing fresh clothes from the closet and leaving his old
jeans behind; which had $51.65 in the pockets.
Then he left without taking anything
else.
Police are trying to find him before
he leaves more money behind again.
The
Danny's Daily's Blonde Joke of the Day!
The Cohen family went to Atlantic
City, NJ for the Labor Day weekend. Dad, however, managed to get
into water too deep for his swimming ability.
Benny Cohen was pulled out of the
ocean by a lifeguard. His blonde wife ran over sobbing, "Benny!
Benny, what happened?!"
"Madam, please don't get hysterical,"
said the lifeguard. "I'm just going to give your husband some
artificial respiration and he'll be fine."
"What!??" Mrs. Cohen yelled. "My
Benny gets either real respiration or nothing!!"
The
Danny's Daily's "Priceless Moment" of the Day!
Click on the Picture
Ponderings from the "Sensitive
Man"
The Worlds Shortest Books Pt. 2
Cooking Gourmet Dishes With Tofu
The Complete Guide to Catholic Sex
The Wit and Wisdom of Dan Quayle
Consumer Marketing Ethics
Al Gore: The Wild Years
America's Most Popular Lawyers
Career Opportunities for History
Majors
Detroit: A Travel Guide
Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of
Motivational Speeches
Easy UNIX
Everything Men Know about Women
How are you feeling today, Johnny?" asked Suzy.
"I'm not feeling too good today, Suzy, I'm really
exhausted, I pulled a muscle, and it's
killing me."
"I'm surprised that a pulled muscle makes you feel so
tired."
"Well... it does if you pull it a hundred times
a night!"
The
Danny's Daily's "Sign" of the Day!
You MUST Use The
"BACK" Button to Return Here!!!!
To Return
to The Music Player
News You Can Use:
Global Warming: Now they're going after the kids
When Geeky goes bad: The Tackiest PC Mods
Drinking may help your lungs
The Sands Casino runs out of luck
Wacky Products
Dog
shaped hotdog cooker barks when your dogs are done!
Sharpen your pencil in the Cat's Ass!
Automatic Donut Maker, Yes!!!
You Tube:
The Naked Skeleton?
Halloween
Freaky Attractions
Carve the
Pumpkin
The Danny's Daily's Halloween Video of the Day!
Freaky Strip Show
Free
Dan Daily Games!
Members Dan Daily Games!
The Dan Daily
Mall!
Ponderings from the "Sensitive
Man"
The Worlds Shortest Books Pt. 3
Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette
The Amish Phone Book
Great Women Drivers Of Today
Beauty Secrets by Janet Reno
Home Built Airplanes by John Denver
How To Get To The Super Bowl by Dan
Marino
Things I Love About Bill by Hillary
Clinton
Things I Can't Afford by Bill Gates
Things I Would Not Do For Money by
Dennis Rodman
Amelia Earhart's Guide To The Pacific
All The Men I've Loved Before by Ellen DeGeneres
Spotted Owl Recipes by the Sierra Club
I tell ya, I don't get no respect:
I remember when I was a young man and went
to the doctor suffering from premature ejaculation.
"Can you do anything to help me doc?"
"No, but I can give you the address of a woman who has
a short attention span."
No respect at all...
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